Baby Blues

With my first pregnancy, I read all about post-partum depression and told myself, that won't happen to me...  well I don't care if you are the happiest person alive, and thought, like I did, that stuff can't touch me, it will happen.  Baby blues will happen to every mother and father. It can hit a mom at two days post-partum or two years post-partuma

It will happen to a stay-at-home mom, a part time working mom, and a full time working mom. It will happen with your first child, my second child, and that mom's seventh child. And anyone who says different is lying or is in denial;).

Baby blues mean something different to every person. It can effect different mom's in many different forms. With my first baby, I felt alone. I was young and none of my friends had babies. I felt like I had to do everything right so I put extra stress and pressure on myself.

With my second baby, I got frustrated with the fact that I lost the body that I once had. The farther I get from "before babies" the more I miss the "old" me and my depression has been more about how much less of myself I feel like I am now. I have that much less time for myself because I am chasing after two now! My hormones were really crazy right after giving birth with my first baby. With my second boy, my hormones went crazy after he weaned from nursing. Every mom is different, every pregnancy is different, every baby is different, and this is the truth!

I see it in the dark circles and the wrinkles in every mom's face that she so desperately tries to hide.

Some women need to have medical help, psychological help, some women find ways to combat their depression through personal ways, social ways. Sometimes these ways cause them to find other addictions: alcoholism, exercise addiction, eating disorders, emotional denial. And sometimes women successfully find things that help them deal with their level of depression in healthy ways.

I am not claiming to be one of those people, at times, I have wandered down the road of temptation towards many of those things, including worse depression, however, I have found a few things that have helped me along the way:

- The drop off. Write on a piece of paper what you think is the heart of your depressions. My list goes something like this: loneliness, feeling inadequate, fear of failure, shattering perfection, ruining my kids' future, ruining my own future career, loss of hair, weight gain, scars, temporary loss of intimacy with my husband, fear of inadequacy, loss of the body I once knew, loss of a social life I once enjoyed, financial stress. This is just the big things, my list could go on and on, but I write all of these things down and I hand them to God. I literally give them to Him(or the top of my dresser where they can't be reached), but I physically do it. And then I start to try to do things to help heal the broken pieces that I feel like are my life by:

- Never getting on or looking at a scale until six months after baby is born. Ladies, I beg of you, do not torture yourself after giving birth. You will be tortured enough by pain and lack of sleep, but don't do it, just don't!

- Don't look in a mirror until four weeks after giving birth. Again, don't torture yourself, don't evaluate yourself. I tried to take pictures and post them to friends, trying to say "hey friends, I may have had a baby but I'm still your twenty-something cool friend," trust me I look back at those pictures and cringe, all I see now are the dark circles from lack of sleep and a fake smile.

- Don't invite someone over to see the baby for the first four to six weeks and more if your baby has colic, unless you and they can handle seeing you in your pajama pants and nursing shirt, because chances are, you will still be living in those clothes. If someone isn't comfortable seeing you nurse, don't invite them over until your baby is eating solids, you think I'm joking, I'm not!;)

- Don't try to be super mom. Ask for help, allow others to hold your baby so you can nap, invite friends to bring you meals (as long as they don't have to come in if you are still uncomfortable). This goes for when they are three months old or three years old. It is ok to ask for help and to not be able to do it all!

- Me Time Especially after #2 I had to tell my husband I needed some time for myself (and yes you will have to ask, even the most wonderful husbands don't understand the concept because they have never had a baby strapped to their chest every half hour or been through labor). Get away from baby and kids once in a while, you need some time to be who you are without them. I joined a church committee and I have a half hour drive to the meetings and I relish that time I have alone to call a girlfriend or blast any tunes is want! After the second baby came, after about nine months, I asked for a gym membership and I go exercise at least once a week just to get away and have some time for myself.

- Your Not Alone! I started reading parenting blogs and journaling and it has been so therapeutic for me. I found a play group, I talked to a neighbor who is a mother of four. I ask mom's at church random questions. I post pictures and share something funny the kids did that day. It is my community of people, and it helps me know that I am not alone! There are millions out there like me, there are thousands of great resources at my fingertips, going through all of ups and downs and insanity I and dealing with. I share a weekly phone call with another SAHM and it's basically a venting time. We allow each other to complain and curse and yell and it is OK! You are not alone. Reach out to another mom, or read a blog or write in a journal, have lunch with another working mom, or join a group. Find a way so that you don't feel like you are on an island. Don't let yourself wallow in the sands of loneliness, do something that helps you to feel less alone, dig out and reach for something that connects you.

- Create a home environment that lends itself to play. Many mom's feel depressed because their house is closing in on them and the kids are bored and no one is happy. Allow your dining room to have buckets of crayons and water colors in it. Let your living room scream kids with the book baskets and toy tubs. Who spends more time in there, your kids or your snooty neighbor? Does it really matter what she thinks anyway? The more comfortable your kids are at home, the more happy you all will be. Organize your toys to they lend themselves to play, involve your kids in the process of organizing so they can feel like they know where things are and will be more exited to play.

- Its ok to cry. Its ok to miss the old you before kids. Its ok to feel lonely. Its ok to stay in your pajamas all 24 hours of a day. Its ok to have an "off day" and not be on your "A" game with your kids. Ask for forgiveness and try again the next day. Forgive yourself if you feel like you fail your family. Its ok, no parent is perfect. It's ok, but if any of these things become habit, ask for help. Its ok to ask for help.

Baby blues happen to every mom, and can hit you at day 2 or day 2,498. Its OK! Just know yourself and know when it is time to ask for help when you need it!