It has been one of those days. It's the end of the week and I am at my wits end. It is not that my son has been extra bad, or it has been an extra demanding week. All I can say is, I'm tired...
I'm tired of hear "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy."
I'm tired of putting on shoes, socks, sunscreen, hats. Breaking up fights between my son and his buddies. Making sure that everyone has a clean nose and a clean butt.
I'm tired of the smell of a poopy diaper.
I'm tired of cleaning up car after car after car after car during naptime.
I'm a horrible mom for saying this, but I' m tired of reading "Cars" and "I Love You Through and Through" and "The Creation Story" every day, twice a day for the last year.
I'm tired of being ordered around by two year olds. I'm tired of hearing, "banana please, cheerios, cheese please, mommy I got yogurt on my shirt, help!!!!!!"
I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm tired of being touched and grabbed and charged like a bull because it is football time or baseball time or tackle!
I'm tired of cleaning the dogs paws, taking the dog for a walk, making sure the dog has her medicine.
Is it so bad to say, I'm just tired of being mom today? Is that awful? I feel awful. I have been short tempered and not very patient at all today.
I don't have any excuse. All I can say is...
I'm just tired.
It's been one of those days and I'm doggon tired.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Best Job on Earth
today is one of those days that i love my job as a stay at home mom. i relish the fact that my little guy will wake me up in the morning slapping the bed crying time to wake up mommy. i love the fact that after dragging myself awake i get to make him breakfast, change his clothes as we argue over what he is going to wear today and yell at him four times to stop torturing the dog. then i get to listen to his cries when his buddy shows up and wants his favorite toy. the crying will change over to a cry of excitement when the two race through the yard, seeing who can beat the other one as they both tumble to the ground in their excitement and their feet going faster then their legs. then i get to go for a long walk with the dog and the two boys making sure everyone stays a safe distance from the road and exchanging words with a neighbor that might be my only adult conversation all day until my husband gets home. the boys run to the back charging the swings, arguing and screaming over who goes in what swing. we pass the time under the sun, running and swinging and blowing bubbles. this is when i love being a mom. between the poopy diapers, the arguments, the complaining, the whining and the exasperated moments, i relish these small moments out in the sun, playing and enjoying the screams, the laughter, the tumbles, and the games of fetch. these are the days i think that i have the best job on earth
Monday, May 2, 2011
Ecclesiastes - back to Muddy Paws
So... through some random events, I decided to read the book of Ecclesiastes. A book of the Bible I hadn't read in about ten years. I couldn't even tell you what it was about or what I might read in it. So I started reading it and I had to laugh out loud, it sounded like what was going on through my head throughout the day.
"Get up, kiss the husband goodbye, let the dog out, let her back in, wipe her extremely muddy paws off (because it hasn't stopped raining in weeks), hug my kid, get him and his buddies breakfast, check my email, do some coaching work, clean up breakfast, put away last night's dishes, break up a fight between my son and his buddies, clean up, take the dog and my son and his buddies for a walk, get them lunch, sit down and write one email, clean up lunch, put on a show so I can eat lunch and have a few minutes of quiet.... and the day goes on and on, and over and over I say to myself, meaningless, 90% of what I do day in and day out is meaningless... I am not saving lives, I am not curing cancer, I am impacting .000001% of this world.... really does anyone care that I wipe my dog's paws when she comes in from a swampy back yard? Maybe my husband, but really he only notices if I don't wipe her well enough and she leaves marks. Most of what I do are things that no one will EVER NOTICE. Not a boss, not a friend, not even my son will remember what I did for him today. He wakes up from his nap, needing something else, onto the next thing. And so sometimes I find myself questioning, why? Why spend this part of my life doing things no one will ever notice, no one will ever even care, it will never impact a soul. My son may walk around with a dirty face and hands, his buddies and him might never learn how to share, learn their ABC's, or learn 'Twinkle, Twinkle' but does it really matter, or is it all meaningless?"
And so I began reading Ecclesiates in this state of doubt, frustration, despair and to my wonderful surprise, the author agreed with me, he, himself was asking these same questions, thinking these same thoughts. Over and over he sorrowfully laments, "this too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." He also states that "I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me." (vs. 17) Even the titles of the chapters "Pleasures are Meaningless, Wisdom and Folly are Meaningless, Toil is Meaningless, Advancement is Meaningless" seemed to be whispering the same notions I was screaming in my head "my life seems meaningless a lot of days!!"
But while the author a Ecclesiastes is lamenting about the meaninglessness of life, he also starts to find nuggets of hope. Amongst his sorrow, he charges in with the most well known chapter "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun. (3:1)" And he follows it up with "I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is a gift from God. (3:14)"
He continues to find nuggets of hope inside each little part of life. He also examines the heart of the wealth, the proud, and all of those that are not content in life. He uncovers the truths about our human nature that wants us to be unhappy and discontent with life. Satan wants us to find meaninglessness in this life. He doesn't want us to see past tomorrow, past our toil, past our soil and into Heaven and what God has in store for us there. He wants us to focus on the ugly and hard part of our lives and stay down in the depths of the depression that this causes us. But God gives us the gift of contentment and satisfaction of this life if we ask Him. If we walk with Him and are humbled by His all-knowing plan. We don't know what will come next. I don't know how many more days it is going to rain and I am going to have to wipe my dogs damn muddy paws!! But He does. He knows. And He begs us to find contentment in His plan and His guidance. He asks us to participate in a satisfaction for life. A satisfaction of the toil of the everyday life we have here on earth for a little while.
The author of Ecclesiastes ends with this verse: "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (12:13)" It is our duty to enjoy life, find satisfaction in the toil of everyday life, to live by the commandments, and trust in God's plan.
As I lament in my wearisome mundane life, I have to use my moments when I feel nuggets the Holy Spirit is teaching me. For how much I dread washing my dogs feet, I am reminded of how Jesus washed his disciples feet, how my mother washed my feet as a child, how I wash my sons feet. It is humbling to think that God has a plan and a purpose for the washing of my dog's muddy paws and my attitude has to be a satisfaction in the toil of that everyday duty set before me.
"Get up, kiss the husband goodbye, let the dog out, let her back in, wipe her extremely muddy paws off (because it hasn't stopped raining in weeks), hug my kid, get him and his buddies breakfast, check my email, do some coaching work, clean up breakfast, put away last night's dishes, break up a fight between my son and his buddies, clean up, take the dog and my son and his buddies for a walk, get them lunch, sit down and write one email, clean up lunch, put on a show so I can eat lunch and have a few minutes of quiet.... and the day goes on and on, and over and over I say to myself, meaningless, 90% of what I do day in and day out is meaningless... I am not saving lives, I am not curing cancer, I am impacting .000001% of this world.... really does anyone care that I wipe my dog's paws when she comes in from a swampy back yard? Maybe my husband, but really he only notices if I don't wipe her well enough and she leaves marks. Most of what I do are things that no one will EVER NOTICE. Not a boss, not a friend, not even my son will remember what I did for him today. He wakes up from his nap, needing something else, onto the next thing. And so sometimes I find myself questioning, why? Why spend this part of my life doing things no one will ever notice, no one will ever even care, it will never impact a soul. My son may walk around with a dirty face and hands, his buddies and him might never learn how to share, learn their ABC's, or learn 'Twinkle, Twinkle' but does it really matter, or is it all meaningless?"
And so I began reading Ecclesiates in this state of doubt, frustration, despair and to my wonderful surprise, the author agreed with me, he, himself was asking these same questions, thinking these same thoughts. Over and over he sorrowfully laments, "this too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." He also states that "I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me." (vs. 17) Even the titles of the chapters "Pleasures are Meaningless, Wisdom and Folly are Meaningless, Toil is Meaningless, Advancement is Meaningless" seemed to be whispering the same notions I was screaming in my head "my life seems meaningless a lot of days!!"
But while the author a Ecclesiastes is lamenting about the meaninglessness of life, he also starts to find nuggets of hope. Amongst his sorrow, he charges in with the most well known chapter "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun. (3:1)" And he follows it up with "I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is a gift from God. (3:14)"
He continues to find nuggets of hope inside each little part of life. He also examines the heart of the wealth, the proud, and all of those that are not content in life. He uncovers the truths about our human nature that wants us to be unhappy and discontent with life. Satan wants us to find meaninglessness in this life. He doesn't want us to see past tomorrow, past our toil, past our soil and into Heaven and what God has in store for us there. He wants us to focus on the ugly and hard part of our lives and stay down in the depths of the depression that this causes us. But God gives us the gift of contentment and satisfaction of this life if we ask Him. If we walk with Him and are humbled by His all-knowing plan. We don't know what will come next. I don't know how many more days it is going to rain and I am going to have to wipe my dogs damn muddy paws!! But He does. He knows. And He begs us to find contentment in His plan and His guidance. He asks us to participate in a satisfaction for life. A satisfaction of the toil of the everyday life we have here on earth for a little while.
The author of Ecclesiastes ends with this verse: "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (12:13)" It is our duty to enjoy life, find satisfaction in the toil of everyday life, to live by the commandments, and trust in God's plan.
As I lament in my wearisome mundane life, I have to use my moments when I feel nuggets the Holy Spirit is teaching me. For how much I dread washing my dogs feet, I am reminded of how Jesus washed his disciples feet, how my mother washed my feet as a child, how I wash my sons feet. It is humbling to think that God has a plan and a purpose for the washing of my dog's muddy paws and my attitude has to be a satisfaction in the toil of that everyday duty set before me.
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