I recently resigned from one of my part time jobs. My full tome job is being mommy to my two boys. My other part time job is childcare out of my home. The other part time job was coaching a varsity high school sport. After a very grueling and difficult time of mulling over the decision, I decided to step down from my coaching position. It may sound selfish, but it was actually one of the most unselfish decisions I have ever made. My part job was my one time to get away from the kids. It was the one place I felt like I was accomplishing things, doing things that mattered. I got to interact with other adults and influence young adults. So why resign from something that I love? Even though it was healthy for my self esteem and social interaction, it wasn't always healthy for our family. During season I was consistently emotionally drained and this wears on the health of our family. Out of season, in the off season, I would stress out about the next season. I finally decided that my family needed a consistent mother more then I needed the break and the morale boost. Consistency for my children finally outweighed my personal desires. It was a difficult decision.
But as I went through the process of resigning and my life changing (I am not good at change AT ALL), I had interaction and reaction to my decision from many people. All were supportive with their words, but their actions and body language made me realize things had changed between us.
If I was a mind reader, this is what I would read: "now what are we going to talk to her about, her kids AGAIN? ! "I thought she actually wanted to do something with her life other then live through her kids." "She's just another know-it-all SAHM judging us working moms." "There's another four year college degree, honors graduate throwing her degree, licence and money away." "Can they really afford to live off of one teacher's salary income?" "I'm disappointed, that was the one thing we connected about, the one thing that made her stand out from other moms." "Why? It was a part time job, her kids probably need a break from her! " "Does she REALLY want to make a career of wiping asses?"
The weeks since I stepped down, I have been 90% happy about my decision, realizing what a difference it will make for our family and the consistency it will allow in all of our lives. But the 10% that I miss the most is the reaction of others and the loss of my title. I was proud to be a coach, proud to own that title of coach.
Why does the loss of my title change the way people react to me? Why do I feel less confident when I walk into a group of people? Even those closest to me, make me feel like I should just stay in the background, I don't have anything confident to add to the conversation...
I know much of this is my own head, but I also know that people are extremely judgemental and quick to judge, because I, myself have had to ask for forgiveness for judging others. That is human nature to judge and make ourselves feel better by looking down at others.
Well I feel looked down on. I feel judged. And I feel less confident then I did four weeks ago when I still wore the title of "I work outside of the home."
It is difficult. People say all the right things. But I know what they are really thinking and when I have a bad day, sometimes I think they are right...
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