I'm Tired

It has been one of those days. It's the end of the week and I am at my wits end. It is not that my son has been extra bad, or it has been an extra demanding week. All I can say is, I'm tired...

I'm tired of hear "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy."
I'm tired of putting on shoes, socks, sunscreen, hats. Breaking up fights between my son and his buddies. Making sure that everyone has a clean nose and a clean butt.
I'm tired of the smell of a poopy diaper.
I'm tired of cleaning up car after car after car after car during naptime.
I'm a horrible mom for saying this, but I' m tired of reading "Cars" and "I Love You Through and Through" and "The Creation Story" every day, twice a day for the last year.
I'm tired of being ordered around by two year olds. I'm tired of hearing, "banana please, cheerios, cheese please, mommy I got yogurt on my shirt, help!!!!!!"
I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm tired of being touched and grabbed and charged like a bull because it is football time or baseball time or tackle!
I'm tired of cleaning the dogs paws, taking the dog for a walk, making sure the dog has her medicine.
Is it so bad to say, I'm just tired of being mom today? Is that awful? I feel awful. I have been short tempered and not very patient at all today.
I don't have any excuse. All I can say is...
I'm just tired.
It's been one of those days and I'm doggon tired.

Best Job on Earth

today is one of those days that i love my job as a stay at home mom. i relish the fact that my little guy will wake me up in the morning slapping the bed crying time to wake up mommy. i love the fact that after dragging myself awake i get to make him breakfast, change his clothes as we argue over what he is going to wear today and yell at him four times to stop torturing the dog. then i get to listen to his cries when his buddy shows up and wants his favorite toy. the crying will change over to a cry of excitement when the two race through the yard, seeing who can beat the other one as they both tumble to the ground in their excitement and their feet going faster then their legs. then i get to go for a long walk with the dog and the two boys making sure everyone stays a safe distance from the road and exchanging words with a neighbor that might be my only adult conversation all day until my husband gets home. the boys run to the back charging the swings, arguing and screaming over who goes in what swing. we pass the time under the sun, running and swinging and blowing bubbles. this is when i love being a mom. between the poopy diapers, the arguments, the complaining, the whining and the exasperated moments, i relish these small moments out in the sun, playing and enjoying the screams, the laughter, the tumbles, and the games of fetch. these are the days i think that i have the best job on earth

Ecclesiastes - back to Muddy Paws

So... through some random events, I decided to read the book of Ecclesiastes. A book of the Bible I hadn't read in about ten years. I couldn't even tell you what it was about or what I might read in it. So I started reading it and I had to laugh out loud, it sounded like what was going on through my head throughout the day.

"Get up, kiss the husband goodbye, let the dog out, let her back in, wipe her extremely muddy paws off (because it hasn't stopped raining in weeks), hug my kid, get him and his buddies breakfast, check my email, do some coaching work, clean up breakfast, put away last night's dishes, break up a fight between my son and his buddies, clean up, take the dog and my son and his buddies for a walk, get them lunch, sit down and write one email, clean up lunch, put on a show so I can eat lunch and have a few minutes of quiet.... and the day goes on and on, and over and over I say to myself, meaningless, 90% of what I do day in and day out is meaningless... I am not saving lives, I am not curing cancer, I am impacting .000001% of this world.... really does anyone care that I wipe my dog's paws when she comes in from a swampy back yard? Maybe my husband, but really he only notices if I don't wipe her well enough and she leaves marks. Most of what I do are things that no one will EVER NOTICE. Not a boss, not a friend, not even my son will remember what I did for him today. He wakes up from his nap, needing something else, onto the next thing. And so sometimes I find myself questioning, why? Why spend this part of my life doing things no one will ever notice, no one will ever even care, it will never impact a soul. My son may walk around with a dirty face and hands, his buddies and him might never learn how to share, learn their ABC's, or learn 'Twinkle, Twinkle' but does it really matter, or is it all meaningless?"

And so I began reading Ecclesiates in this state of doubt, frustration, despair and to my wonderful surprise, the author agreed with me, he, himself was asking these same questions, thinking these same thoughts. Over and over he sorrowfully laments, "this too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." He also states that "I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me." (vs. 17) Even the titles of the chapters "Pleasures are Meaningless, Wisdom and Folly are Meaningless, Toil is Meaningless, Advancement is Meaningless" seemed to be whispering the same notions I was screaming in my head "my life seems meaningless a lot of days!!"

But while the author a Ecclesiastes is lamenting about the meaninglessness of life, he also starts to find nuggets of hope. Amongst his sorrow, he charges in with the most well known chapter "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun. (3:1)" And he follows it up with "I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is a gift from God. (3:14)"

He continues to find nuggets of hope inside each little part of life. He also examines the heart of the wealth, the proud, and all of those that are not content in life. He uncovers the truths about our human nature that wants us to be unhappy and discontent with life. Satan wants us to find meaninglessness in this life. He doesn't want us to see past tomorrow, past our toil, past our soil and into Heaven and what God has in store for us there. He wants us to focus on the ugly and hard part of our lives and stay down in the depths of the depression that this causes us. But God gives us the gift of contentment and satisfaction of this life if we ask Him. If we walk with Him and are humbled by His all-knowing plan. We don't know what will come next. I don't know how many more days it is going to rain and I am going to have to wipe my dogs damn muddy paws!! But He does. He knows. And He begs us to find contentment in His plan and His guidance. He asks us to participate in a satisfaction for life. A satisfaction of the toil of the everyday life we have here on earth for a little while.

The author of Ecclesiastes ends with this verse: "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (12:13)" It is our duty to enjoy life, find satisfaction in the toil of everyday life, to live by the commandments, and trust in God's plan.

As I lament in my wearisome mundane life, I have to use my moments when I feel nuggets the Holy Spirit is teaching me. For how much I dread washing my dogs feet, I am reminded of how Jesus washed his disciples feet, how my mother washed my feet as a child, how I wash my sons feet. It is humbling to think that God has a plan and a purpose for the washing of my dog's muddy paws and my attitude has to be a satisfaction in the toil of that everyday duty set before me.

blogging under the influence

ok so, just a disclaimer. i am blogging under the influence of one and a half margaritas... it has been a while since i have even had a glass of wine let along a margarita so i apologize but here it goes, i feel inspired.... so tonight was maundy thursday. we have always had a good friday service but we decide to have a maudey thursday service so my husband and i get my in-laws to watch my son and go to the service. i promise my husband dinner afterwards so we go... and at first not a big crowd, kind of intimidating, but you know what? amazing service. a really really cool service. small groups praying together. you know what i realized? god is so huge. he is so great. he is bigger then even my biggest doubts, my biggest regrets. it has been a really, really rough week. i have lost my temper with my son and husband way, way too much. my quiet time has been non existant. my thanksgiving prayer has not even crossed my mind. my repentece has been shallow to say the least. i feel like jim tressel caught in a lie; stuck, wrong and feeling frustrated and dumb... i know deep down that god has a plan for me and my family and my son... but i only want to know, what is next? what is in it for me? how will my son succeed? how will my husband achieve his dreams? i feel like god was saying to me. karra who the hell are you to question my plan? who are to say this day sucks? you know my son used the word sucks today? i felt like a failure, neglectful mom today, my son is saying sucks and my husbnd would rather snore then talk to me, the love of his wife. i cant let the dreary ohio weather, the crabby kids, the hormones get control of my emotions and how i respond. i have to respond with gods strenth and wisdom. i had a really good margarita tonight. my husband and i had a night full of prayers, laughs and great conversation. i realized tonight i am such a blessed person. i have an amazing man who knows jesus as his savior, not only do i get to spend this life with him but i get to spend eternity with him. i have a son that is healthy and strong. every day i pray that god protects him and every day i thank god i have another day with my beautiful son. discipline has to happen, life has to happen and god put us on this earth to love him first, love each other and enjoy this beautiful world he gave us... sometimes i get sooo caught up in the perfections of life. the little things. sometimes life is about enjoying a margarita and a laugh and the bed with your beloved. sometimes it's about laughing with your two-year-old and his buddies over spilled milk... sometimes it's mourning the loss of an amazing person in your life whom you will miss day after day... sometimes its about praying with your spiritual grandpa... sometimes its about playing the game to your hearts content, coaching so hard you leave the gym in tears of exhaustion... sometimes its about six sweet hours of sleep in your own bed. god gave us little pleasures on this earth. he gave us the pleasure of smiles, laughter, children, hugs, kisses, intimate relations with the love of your life, amazing food, and rainbows. he also allowed us to make choices like letting satan into our lives and causing cancer, and pain, and painful childbirth, and disease, and crippling anger. this world can be ugly, even scary. that's when it is so amazing to know that my savior, gods son lives and reigns again. he conquored death as a perfect, pure soul so that all the shit i do, all the sin, the ugly parts of my life are washed away with his perfect gifts. i could never go to church enough, never apologize enough to my son, husband, friends; to repay all of the hurt and ugliness i have caused the, thank you god, on this maundey thursday, that even though i suck and even though i fall short again and agian and again, jesus' love, blood, sacrifice is enough to help me reach salvation and have eternity with him. my god is so great so strong and so mighty. thank you god for love, for family, for a son, for a husband, for a warm bed. it may not what we planned it to be, but god guides the way. he is my god and my salvation. god is sooo good to me. i am in love every single day, i awake with the man of the dreams and the boy of my dreams. my god is so wonderdful to allow me these dreams and these earthly pleasures. thank you god for your son and his reserection over death so i may live again in the happiest place, heaven. my god is good and so great. i just pray that my own son feels that relationship and realizes its not what we accomplish on earth but how we love in humilty, every day asking forgiveness that saves us... ok im exhausted and my lovely two year old will be up in a couple of hours. but i have to tell the world, my god is soo great

Tired or just a Mom?

I had a mom tell me today that she had called up her mom to vent about how exhausted she had been feeling. Her mother's response, "well you better start praying for inner strength, because you are a mom now, you are always going to be tired." I love this quote, and part of the reason I am blogging it is so that I don't forget it! It is soooo true. I am always, always, always exhausted. I wake up exhausted, I go to bed exhausted. If I get a good seven hours of sleep, I am exhausted because I got too much sleep and my body isn't used to it! Every mom that I know is tired, all of the time!

However, as much as this person was upset with her mother for not having any sympathy for her, her mom makes a good point. We are mothers. We are at a point in our lives when we are always going to be tired. Everyday life is going to be tiring and the hard days are going to be even more exhausting. We can whine about it or we can ask for strength from the Lord and do what we can to forget about being tired. I tend to forget being tired by drinking way, way too much coffee! But sometimes I get caught up in a selfish thinking that I am the only damn tired mom on the Earth! When single, working, sick mothers everywhere are ten times more tired then me and have a much better attitude about life. I may be tired, but I bet the mom who has to go to chemo once a week is a heck of a lot more tired then I am and she still has to put on a smile and do the laundry and make her kids' lunches for school. Life is never easy for parents. We can whine and complain or we can do something about it! (Like stop at Starbucks after storyhour:) Ok, more healthy ideas maybe more like pray a little more, be more thankful, and enjoy the little moments more. Kids grow up really, really fast, and I can spend my time being tired, or I can spend my time being a mom to them. I will always be tired, but I won't always get these precious moments with my kid!

Play Group or Staff Meeting?

For some reason, I have been on the sidelines looking in at playgroup lately. Most of the time it is because I am playing referee to all of the kids, but it gives me a chance to listen to the conversations of the mom's. If any of you have been a mom part of a playgroup, you will completely understand this blog. If you aren't a mom or haven't been to a playgroup, you will understand once you are part of this unique experience.

When I was a young mom, I felt very different and separated from people. I had a newborn and none of my close friends had kids of their own and most of my friends had moved away. I was surrounded by family and church family and loved them, but was looking for a group of mom's/dad's that would feel like a place where I fit in. So I went to a gym class with my son. Met some mom's and they invited me to this thing called "playdate." I think the reason they refer to them as "playdates," is because I was more nervous about my first playdate then my first real date with a boy! I wanted to make sure my son was well fed so he didn't get crabby; I wanted to look nice, but not over do it; I wanted to sound exciting, but not take over the conversation. It felt more like a job interview then a time for kids to get together to "play." Would I be accepted into this group of mom's? Would one of those mom's be my best friend? I learned to chill out after a while about play group. My first playgroup didn't even work out. I was the odd one out in the group and I didn't fit it, but it was fun for a while. I learned a good deal from those mom's even in the few group "meetings" we had together. I finally have found a "playgroup" that works for me and my son. The mom's and families in it aren't really that much alike, but we make it work. We don't always get along, and I don't always feel like I completely "fit in" but for the most part, we have fun every time we get together. Recently, I went to a new playgroup, just because my friend invited me and it was something else to do with the boys during the week. As sort of an outsider looking in, I realized that when mom's get together, it is almost like a staff meeting for a company or school. We each have our own child, with our own situations, backgrounds, and personalities. But we come together during this time to swap ideas; compare our children, brands, and newest child fad; we vent about the other parts of our lives; whine about how much we miss our lives "before kids"; brag about how much our kid knows. It is the one time a week, we get a chance to talk to other adults that are going through similar frustrations, joys, struggles, and accomplishments. We don't get to have an evaluation done by our boss, but we can have a "well done" hug from a fellow mom. It is almost like satellite branches of a company coming together to update each other on how well their part of the company is running.

During my time BD (before Dylan), I used to go to staff meetings for schools. Sometimes, it was a meeting where one person in charge stepped up and told us what we needed to do, but a lot of the times, it was time for teachers and staff to present ideas, compare classroom situations, brag about something they accomplished or one of their students accomplished, argue over the best way to do something. In many ways, playdate is like a staff meetings for mom's. We make announcements about where we are in life, "my kid just got his top front teeth, finally the constant diarrhea and drooling will stop." We compare brands "well pampers is better because it is softer and more pliable" "well Huggies has better overnight diapers." We ask advice "is John Doe in a toddler bed yet, because Nancy Drew is starting to crawl out of her crib, do I need to start that transition?" We make judgments, "well shouldn't he be eating solids by now?" And if you have a steady playgroup that meets on a regular basis, you start taking notes and then check on the progress weekly, "You said she wasn't eating veggies last week, have you started implementing them into other foods so she is getting the vitamins she needs?" Playdate is in theory supposed to be a time when kids get together to "play" which most of the time happens, but really it is for mom's to get together for their weekly staff meeting. There are times that I really get annoyed by a judgement or the constant comparing that is done when mom's get together, but I have to say that I look forward to my "weekly staff meeting." I look forward to the check-ins, updates, arguments, and presentations. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this crazy world of being a "mom."

Does Any Mom Really Stay-at-home??

Lately I have really been bugged by the title "stay-at-home-mom." Really it is completely outlandish and an outrageous title for us mom's who have decided to make our child more of a priority than our careers at this time in our lives. Does that mean we never had a career? Does that mean we never will have a career? Does that mean all we do is "stay-at-home" watching Days of Our Lives and changing diapers? Every mom that I know is screaming NOOOOO!! I do not know one mom that doesn't do something on the side other than "staying home." Every mom I know either takes care of other kid(s), has their own side business, works on a committee, works part-time from home or from work, and does countless work outside of "taking care of the kid(s)" on top of taking care of a home and the kid(s). Because of the economy, cost of living, and life styles of today, mom's have to take on so much. Even the mom's who can financially live off of one income, do so much outside of the house. Playgoups, gym classes, music classes, storytime, preschool classes, the list goes on and on and on. Mom's in this generation who supposedly just "stay-at-home" feel so much pressure from society that they must always be on the go, taking their kid here and there to make sure that they are "well-rounded" and "well-established" in this society.

Some days I wish I could just be a "stay-at-home" mom. Besides the one child we have, I watch two other children during the week days, run a High School volleyball program as a part-time job, help to run the children's choir, and serve on a committee at church. I take the kids to story time once a week, playgroup once a week and sometimes a preschool class here and there. And everyday mom's are asking me, what other activities can we do next week? When we do get time to "just be home," we are coloring with paint, markers, crayons, chalk; playing outside (even in blizzards); playing puzzles; playing play dough; on top of the continual wiping runny noses, cleaning dirty bottoms, making meals/snacks, keeping up with housework, playing referee to the biter and the pusher; and trying to connect with each child on an individual level everyday! Rarely do I get to just "stay-home" and when I do get to "stay-home," rarely do I get to sit down. So why are we called "stay-at-home" mom's? When we are usually driving our kids more places than the FedEx truck! When people ask me what I do, I think I am going to start telling them, I am the chief operator of a small enterprise. So small that the boss has to clean the toilets!