It's Been a While

The arrival of baby #2 and a full year of buying and fixing up a foreclosed house, two busy sports seasons and two very busy boys has kept me from blogging, but in order to remember the memories we are making as a family and I as a mother, I want to continue blogging.

This blog is just going to be a list of things I want to remember from the last year and then I will get back into true blogging.

- L S F came into this world at his own pace, his birth canal journey started out fast, then slowed down then sped up again. Could have been due to a crazy doctor I did not know because mine was on vacation (of course!). But he finally arrived and we were blessed with a healthy baby.

- He has always loved to eat

- He has not really liked sleeping but is getting better.

- L has always been busy and active, crawling at five months, walking at ten months, climbing everything and trying to keep up with his brother and friends. He has always been on the smaller side, but strong.

- D's two year old obsession with baseball and all sports has continued into his three and four year ages.

- He really started to catch onto basketball as a four year old and went to practices with his dad and sat on the varsity basketball bench as a four and a half year old. 

-D is still a picky eater and most of his meals revolve around pb&j or cheeseburgers. Thank goodness he loves fruits and veggies too.

- D loves to spend time with friends nd his cousins.  He is working on being a gracious loser, (his competitiveness is a little too strong) and humbling himself when he needs to admit he is wrong (has a bit of a ego issue) and appreciating prayer (he acts like he is too busy at times.

- L is loud for his age, at almost one, he makes himself heard over the loud chaos of his brother and the other I watch. He chews on everything and esp likes to eat tissues and paper.

- D has enjoyed storytime this year, as well as swim lessons, craft time, and Sunday school at church. He will start preschool next year as a five year old three days a week, half days and will start full day Kindergarten at age young six (birthday is in July).

- Dylan went to his first Monsters hockey game, and will be going to his first CAVs basketball game.  We went to a fun Tribe Fest for the Indian's and Orbit from the Aeros came to our house for Valentine's Day surprise. No vacations this year, just family trips to Michigan and Columbus.  Lots of Indian's games to look forward to this Spring!

- Trying to fix up a foreclose house, with two young children, while in the midst of two sports seasons was INSANE. And we couldn't have done it without the amazing help of our family and fiends. We still have a LONG way to go on our home but it is liveable for now!

- This winter was a winter of the stomach flu, puking was the name of the game this winter! Along with pink eye, some viral fevers, bumps and bruises.

- Hard lessons learned: sometimes you have to lose something in order to gain it back. Sometimes you have to be completely financially humble in order to gain a small amount of security.  Trust in marriage is so key. Sometimes things are not as bad as they seem.  Taking a step back and being patient for God's loan is ultimately worth it although extremely difficult. Gos is good to those who love Him but He will send trials and tribulations to teat your faith.  Marriage does get sweeter with time and with every obstacle overcome together. Parenting is never the same twice. Kids are different and so parents have to adjust every time. This year has been the most challenging year of our lives as a family, but it has also been one of the most rewarding,  amazing year.  I have learned so much and grown so much as a mother, wife, friend, and daughter of Christ.

That is just a tidbit of info from the last year, so I can remember some of the thoughts I had this past year. Now I hope to keep up with blogging more!

The First Run After the Second Baby

I have never been a runner.  Never tried to convince anyone that I was a runner.  I have never entered in a race, I have never had the urge to run in a marathon, never wanted to put on running shoes and conquer a mountain run. I am not a runner, never have been.  I have however, used running as a tool to get more in shape.  In high school I ran to fit into my prom dress.  In college I ran to fit into my skinny jeans.  Past college, there hasn't been much running.  However, I needed a tool to help me fit into my swim suit and I thought running was the answer. 

I had my second child a little over seven weeks ago.  At six weeks my OB gave me the green light to get back into exercising.  Yesterday my three-year-old wanted to play in the sprinkler. Yesterday morning we bought our pool pass for the summer.  Yesterday, I went to my bedroom, pulled out a bathing suit, tried to put it on and started laughing at the sight.  Oh was it a sight!!  Sagging skin, back fat, legs as big as tree trunks but veiny and rippling so they looked more like the trunk of an elderly tree over a hundred years old, massive boobs that look like they are tatooed with blue veins all over them, and divots in my hips where my skin had to stretch over my ever growing hips (oh yeah they call those stretch marks, well they look more like lines carved out of my skin).  All this to say that my body is NOT ready to try to fit into a bathing suit, let alone, look half-way decent in a bathing suit!!

So when my husband came home from work and both kids had been fed and bathed, I decided to go for a run. I needed to get my body back in some short of shape, I needed to do SOMETHING!

So I took the first running steps.  My entire body jiggled.  I kid you not, my ENTIRE body jiggled! Every piece of skin, every stretched muscle, every extra ounce of body fat, EVERYTHING jiggled.  Well my boobs more went thunk, thunking then jiggling, but everything else jiggled. I pushed past the jiggling, I told myself "this was why I was running, to get rid of the jiggling!"  I continued down the road, I started to breath a little harder, then a little harder, and I told myself "you pushed out a baby, you can handle a little run." 

Lots of self talks throughout this run... I told myself I was going to get back in shape so I could wear my college skinny jeans again... I told myself, I was going to start running every night so I could be like that neighbor that looks like she is running on air, beautiful, skinny, and so easy!  I told myself that the dog really was running too (even though the dog was simply walking next to me because I was running that slow)... I told myself, I could make it around the entire neighborhood.  I told myself that, that high school boy staring at me from the passing car wasn't just looking at my flapping money makers (well they are more like money savers, every dollar I save per formula bottle I would be spending if I didn't have working boob feeders) and he was thinking, "what a hot mom,"   And then I told myself to stop lying... that boy was probably thinking "oh you poor lady, you look like you are about to die!"  ...I will NEVER fit in my skinny jean again... I will never have time to run every day again   ...and the dog is really just WALKING!  

...and then I stopped running.

... do you think they give refunds for pool passes due to sagging skin, massive legs, and back fat?

I hope so...

The Simple Things

I asked my son what he was thankful for today and I realized I haven't made a list of my own thankfulness is a very, very long time. So I began a thank you list. I have been very negative lately and today I realized I need to stop! I need to start being more thankful for there is so much to be thankful for and most of the time, we take for granted the simple things that we should be praising God for each and every day.

Thank you God...
...for hot, hot showers with blasting country music instead of "Jake and the Never Land Pirates" that consumes the other portions of my days
...for the sweet, sweet sound of silence, just the hushed deep breathing of my child fast asleep
...for the sweet smell of clean sheets on my bed
...for the random sweet text from a friend
...for mother-in-law's banana bread and mother's homemade cookies
...for calming hubby hugs during mid-afternoon lunch breaks
...for nice receptionists at the doctor's office
...for the love between a boy and his dog
...for friendships that last decades
...for friendships that last only seconds
...for sappy song lyrics that leave me welling with tears during a random drive to the store
...for reminders of Your power
...for Grace
...for watercolors and children that love to paint with them
...for Christmas cards
...for lotion when every inch of skin is itchy and stretching on my pregnant body
...for a recliner when my pregnancy toes are sausages and my ankles no longer exist
...for other mom's who understand the roller coaster ride everyday becomes
...for Super Bowls and Championship games (can we please cut the non-family friendly commercials please! I'm tired of covering my child's eyes and ears and my belly for goodness sake!!)
...for families and generations of love
...for church families full of support and prayers
...for hardworking people
...for a very convicting book to humble and remind me of so many things
...for nail polish for my awful looking feet/toes
...for Oreo cookies and milk
...for clean, cold water
...for the bubbly laugh of a baby
...for the picture that stops my breath
...for the memories of specials moments that stopped time
...for weddings
...for engagement rings and promises that last eternity
...for warm sunshine on a cold day
...for Vick's vapor rub to calm a cough
...for Mary's song
...for sports
...for good morning hugs
...for the kick of the baby inside me, reminding me, to never, ever take a second of my life for granted
...for checking "cleaning the bathrooms" off my to-do list
...for pickles
...for the hilarious sound of my son trying to sing along to his favorite song, he just can't quite keep up
...for baseball and the joy it brings to my son's face
...for home
..for the frozen morning ground that doesn't allow a dash of mud on my dog's paws, that leaves me with a few extra seconds in the morning to drink my coffee instead of cleaning off muddy paws

I am going to be thankful today instead of complaining. I am going to try and remember the good things over the bad. And I am going to keep adding to this list, every day of my life.

Giving and Getting Christmas-time

Christmas time with a three year old, Oh! what a glorious time of year! Never ending events and winter activities to take him to; Never ending exciting adventures to partake of... the time of year when D's eyes light up over every other question that comes out of peoples' mouths. "What are you asking Santa for, for Christmas? How many more days till Christmas? Where are you going today?" Every question has an exciting answer, and my son's eyes are filled with that same excitement and anticipation. It is completely contagious. So far we have been able to stay healthy enough at our house this Christmas to enjoy many adventures to see Santa and to enjoy the holiday spirit. We have been blessed with short lines and fairly wonderful Santas (very pleasantly surprised with the two Santa's we met, Santa #3, at the Zoo, not so enthusiastic but I think it could have been the elf that kept him very short with every child). Last year was not this way at all so I guess we were really blessed with terrific timing and nice Santas who really do enjoy children and want to make them smile. D's new understanding of the Christmas season, what this time of year means, special outings, gifts, special time with family and friends, special cookies and snacks, is like seeing Christmas for the first time all over again. He is just old enough to really catch the exciting energy of Christmas and it is sooo fun!

We have also tried to help a very egotistic three year old, grasp the meaning of giving this time of year. From sending Compassion gifts, to helping wrap family members' gifts, knowing it isn't going to be for him, but for someone else, we have bee trying to help him understand the joy in giving as well as getting. At times he seems to really grasp on and gets excited about giving, other times, he just wants to know what he is getting and slips into the selfish mode we all find ourselves in at some point during the holidays.

But the most amazing moments to me are when D tries to make sense of the true Christmas story. He loves to read a book at night and it is the Night Before Christmas from the animals' points of views. The donkey talks about how his "brother" donkey was the one that Mary rode on when they went to Bethlehem. And the chicken and cows recall what the baby sounded like when it cried in the manger. His eyes light up with the puppy page, the same way the book talks about the puppies attentively listening closely to the story so that they can one day tell their puppies the story of Christmas. A three year old tries to make sense of a baby in a barn, with a mommy and daddy and all of these visitors and animals coming to see him. He tries to understand how that little baby was born so long ago, in a different time, but that, that same baby is the one that helps him make good choices everyday. That same baby is the one that he prays to at night and when he needs help. He is the same baby that will one day take him to Heaven with Him (he always tries to figure out if Jesus will take him by boat, or car, or motorcycle or airplane to Heaven:) In November, D asked Jesus into his heart. It was an awesome moment. Probably the coolest moment I have ever had as a mother, but it was completely prompted by D and more importantly the Holy Spirit. At a random lunchtime meal, D asked if he could pray and ask Jesus into his heart. He asked Jesus to forgive him of all of the bad things he does and he asked Jesus to come into his heart to help him make good choices and so that one day he could go to Heaven. An awesome moment, so much greater then I, or the words I coached him along to say, but even at three and a half, D was sincere in his request, sincere in his humility, and sincere in his need for Jesus to come into his life to help him. There are still very comical discussions and the understanding D has at three and a half is very limited (such as, Jesus went down his throat, into his belly and lives in his heart and helps him:) but I believe with all I know, that D was completely sincere and Jesus answered his request and the Holy Spirit is helping him everyday. I think that Jesus is a part of his life now and he is going to be made into a new creation through the Holy Spirit as he gains understanding and knowledge.

And so this Christmas, as I wrap presents in the comfort of a quiet home, everyone asleep but me, I can't help but be grateful for the gifts that the little baby brought so many years ago. A gift that my son recieved and a gift that He keeps giving to me day after day. A continual forgiveness. As I think about the day and how many times I cussed out the awful driver in front of me, or got really annoyed with the cashier at the store, or screamed at D because he kept getting out of bed wayyyy past his bedtime, I am thankful for the constant forgiveness that the little baby Jesus grants, because I f-up a lot, every day. I lose my cool this time of year a lot because of late night wrapping sessions and awful traffic, and overfilled stores. And when I have a quiet moment to recall my awful attempts at peace on earth and goodwill toward man, I am deeply grateful for the forgiveness of that little Babe, because without Him, I would be in a sad state this time of year and every time of year. And so this time of year is about getting. Getting a gift so significant and so overwhelming, there are times I can't wrap my mind around it, but it is a gift so needed and so undeserved. And so I go to bed tonight, knowing I fall short of being a perfect mom, a perfect gift giver, a perfect fellow human, but knowing Jesus came as a baby to take away my bad choices and to help me everyday to make better choices. As I remind my three year old so say thank you and to make better choices then throwing fits, I am reminded of the bad choices I make daily and am eternally grateful for that baby that came to take my sin for me and carry it to the cross with Him. Christmas is about giving to others and enjoying the festivities and fun Santa's, and Christmas is about a baby Jesus, who gave me the sweetest gift I could ever ask for, who took from me all the bad choices I make and have made and took them to the cross with Him so that I would never have to pay the price for the wrong I do everyday. He gave me a gift that keeps giving. As He forgives, He sends the Holy Spirit, another gift, to help me make better decisions and to help me, just like D prays every night. And for that, I can be thankful that God sent His son, baby Jesus, to be the best present and the best part of the Christmas season.

I'm Tired

It has been one of those days. It's the end of the week and I am at my wits end. It is not that my son has been extra bad, or it has been an extra demanding week. All I can say is, I'm tired...

I'm tired of hear "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy."
I'm tired of putting on shoes, socks, sunscreen, hats. Breaking up fights between my son and his buddies. Making sure that everyone has a clean nose and a clean butt.
I'm tired of the smell of a poopy diaper.
I'm tired of cleaning up car after car after car after car during naptime.
I'm a horrible mom for saying this, but I' m tired of reading "Cars" and "I Love You Through and Through" and "The Creation Story" every day, twice a day for the last year.
I'm tired of being ordered around by two year olds. I'm tired of hearing, "banana please, cheerios, cheese please, mommy I got yogurt on my shirt, help!!!!!!"
I'm tired of being poked and prodded. I'm tired of being touched and grabbed and charged like a bull because it is football time or baseball time or tackle!
I'm tired of cleaning the dogs paws, taking the dog for a walk, making sure the dog has her medicine.
Is it so bad to say, I'm just tired of being mom today? Is that awful? I feel awful. I have been short tempered and not very patient at all today.
I don't have any excuse. All I can say is...
I'm just tired.
It's been one of those days and I'm doggon tired.

Best Job on Earth

today is one of those days that i love my job as a stay at home mom. i relish the fact that my little guy will wake me up in the morning slapping the bed crying time to wake up mommy. i love the fact that after dragging myself awake i get to make him breakfast, change his clothes as we argue over what he is going to wear today and yell at him four times to stop torturing the dog. then i get to listen to his cries when his buddy shows up and wants his favorite toy. the crying will change over to a cry of excitement when the two race through the yard, seeing who can beat the other one as they both tumble to the ground in their excitement and their feet going faster then their legs. then i get to go for a long walk with the dog and the two boys making sure everyone stays a safe distance from the road and exchanging words with a neighbor that might be my only adult conversation all day until my husband gets home. the boys run to the back charging the swings, arguing and screaming over who goes in what swing. we pass the time under the sun, running and swinging and blowing bubbles. this is when i love being a mom. between the poopy diapers, the arguments, the complaining, the whining and the exasperated moments, i relish these small moments out in the sun, playing and enjoying the screams, the laughter, the tumbles, and the games of fetch. these are the days i think that i have the best job on earth

Ecclesiastes - back to Muddy Paws

So... through some random events, I decided to read the book of Ecclesiastes. A book of the Bible I hadn't read in about ten years. I couldn't even tell you what it was about or what I might read in it. So I started reading it and I had to laugh out loud, it sounded like what was going on through my head throughout the day.

"Get up, kiss the husband goodbye, let the dog out, let her back in, wipe her extremely muddy paws off (because it hasn't stopped raining in weeks), hug my kid, get him and his buddies breakfast, check my email, do some coaching work, clean up breakfast, put away last night's dishes, break up a fight between my son and his buddies, clean up, take the dog and my son and his buddies for a walk, get them lunch, sit down and write one email, clean up lunch, put on a show so I can eat lunch and have a few minutes of quiet.... and the day goes on and on, and over and over I say to myself, meaningless, 90% of what I do day in and day out is meaningless... I am not saving lives, I am not curing cancer, I am impacting .000001% of this world.... really does anyone care that I wipe my dog's paws when she comes in from a swampy back yard? Maybe my husband, but really he only notices if I don't wipe her well enough and she leaves marks. Most of what I do are things that no one will EVER NOTICE. Not a boss, not a friend, not even my son will remember what I did for him today. He wakes up from his nap, needing something else, onto the next thing. And so sometimes I find myself questioning, why? Why spend this part of my life doing things no one will ever notice, no one will ever even care, it will never impact a soul. My son may walk around with a dirty face and hands, his buddies and him might never learn how to share, learn their ABC's, or learn 'Twinkle, Twinkle' but does it really matter, or is it all meaningless?"

And so I began reading Ecclesiates in this state of doubt, frustration, despair and to my wonderful surprise, the author agreed with me, he, himself was asking these same questions, thinking these same thoughts. Over and over he sorrowfully laments, "this too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." He also states that "I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me." (vs. 17) Even the titles of the chapters "Pleasures are Meaningless, Wisdom and Folly are Meaningless, Toil is Meaningless, Advancement is Meaningless" seemed to be whispering the same notions I was screaming in my head "my life seems meaningless a lot of days!!"

But while the author a Ecclesiastes is lamenting about the meaninglessness of life, he also starts to find nuggets of hope. Amongst his sorrow, he charges in with the most well known chapter "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun. (3:1)" And he follows it up with "I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is a gift from God. (3:14)"

He continues to find nuggets of hope inside each little part of life. He also examines the heart of the wealth, the proud, and all of those that are not content in life. He uncovers the truths about our human nature that wants us to be unhappy and discontent with life. Satan wants us to find meaninglessness in this life. He doesn't want us to see past tomorrow, past our toil, past our soil and into Heaven and what God has in store for us there. He wants us to focus on the ugly and hard part of our lives and stay down in the depths of the depression that this causes us. But God gives us the gift of contentment and satisfaction of this life if we ask Him. If we walk with Him and are humbled by His all-knowing plan. We don't know what will come next. I don't know how many more days it is going to rain and I am going to have to wipe my dogs damn muddy paws!! But He does. He knows. And He begs us to find contentment in His plan and His guidance. He asks us to participate in a satisfaction for life. A satisfaction of the toil of the everyday life we have here on earth for a little while.

The author of Ecclesiastes ends with this verse: "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (12:13)" It is our duty to enjoy life, find satisfaction in the toil of everyday life, to live by the commandments, and trust in God's plan.

As I lament in my wearisome mundane life, I have to use my moments when I feel nuggets the Holy Spirit is teaching me. For how much I dread washing my dogs feet, I am reminded of how Jesus washed his disciples feet, how my mother washed my feet as a child, how I wash my sons feet. It is humbling to think that God has a plan and a purpose for the washing of my dog's muddy paws and my attitude has to be a satisfaction in the toil of that everyday duty set before me.